Time to Let Go

I just couldn't believe that I wasn't pregnant, especially after losing it on Brad yesterday, so I took another pregnancy test.

It was negative.

Huh?!

I just couldn't believe it. And I was disappointed. Brad said, well, you need to go to the doctor to find out what is wrong with you. So I had a shower. When I got out I wandered around aimlessly for a while. This news does not fit into my plans at all, I thought. So I went back to the bathroom and checked one more time. Still just one line. So naturally I picked it up and looked closer. And there it was!

If I held the test up to the light, and looked really, really close, there was another line there! So faint you could barely see it, but it was there! My heart just leapt and I was so happy and grateful and relieved. I ran to tell Brad. I'm not sure he believes me yet, because it really was barely visible. But I believe it, more because of what my body is telling me than what the test says. I carried it around with me all night, checking periodically just to make sure.

So what now?

Let go.

This is my fifth pregnancy and both of my miscarriages happened late in the first trimester, so I feel like I've done it enough to know what I'm in for. Some women get postpartum depression, but I've never experienced that. I get it during the first bit of pregnancy. It's less well known, but it's just as bad. And that combined with 24 hour morning sickness, well, it's quite literally hell. I know, however, what I get out of it is more than worth it and although I have hesitated to go through it again, I can't imagine that this sacrifice will mean anything in the end. I just need to remember to let go.

If I gain 5 pounds in the first 2 weeks because I'm too tired to exercise, if I'm tempted to compare myself to all the cute pregnant women who have this little belly sticking out of their otherwise thin bodies, let go.


If I let my kids watch 2 (or 3, no more than 3 I promise) hours of TV some days, let go.

If my house becomes such a disaster I can't make dinner because the dishes are dirty, if I have to do the absolute bare minimum to keep my family alive for the next 2 1/2 months, let go.

If I need help from other people and I start to feel guilty about it, and have to have my sisters watch my kids sometimes, let go.


If I say really weird and embarrassing things in the next 3 months, let go.

I can't allow myself to feel guilty for anything, except my temper tantrums, which I will continue to work on. Otherwise, right now my only job is to love myself, to kiss and cuddle my kids, to sleep and eat and do the BEST I can. Right now I am in the process of creating a life, and that just might take all of the emotional, physical and mental effort I have. Right now I am beautiful no matter what I look like, disheveled hair and yesterday's makeup included. Right now I can ask my Father in Heaven for all the help I need, and although I might not be able to feel it sometimes, He will help me. I know He is there and I am so very grateful He is giving me the opportunity to bring another of His precious spirits into the world.