I came home for a day to spend Sunday as a family and now I'm off again for more family fun in BC. Right now Brad is outside playing with the kids and they are screaming/laughing/crying/screaming more which is what it always sounds like when they play with Dad. I am 5 months pregnant now. Sometimes I can't breathe and have almost-panic-attacks when I realize I have 4 more months of this. 4 more months to get 4 months bigger. 4 more months of heartburn, waddling, exhaustion, depression, etc....but then I think...only 4 more months until I have a BABY!! A baby a baby a baby a baby a baby mmmmmm. A little tiny, itty bitty, sweet, perfect, cuddly, soft little one.

Weight gained so far: 30 pounds and a lot of sizes. I look like I'm 8 months pregnant. Seriously.

I already feel bad enough about myself these days, but add to the mix a couple of beautiful, smart, sweet kids and it's amazing just how bad you can feel.

Let's be honest, I expect Jesse to be perfect and I am really hard on him. He's such a good, nice boy which makes it that much worse, because I hate punishing a boy who is so good and nice when Brad and I make so many mistakes and let me tell you it is not beyond this kid to notice. I wouldn't get it, either, if I were him.

Just one of many examples: Today Brad and I tried teaching him to ride a bike and Jesse was hesitant right from the start. I said, "Jesse, we won't get upset with you if you can't do it." I thought maybe that was what he was afraid of. He looked at us and said "But will you get mad at each other?" We had been arguing about how to teach him. Then he walked away.

And what am I supposed to do with this? Today I was talking to my Mom on the phone when suddenly I hear a little sob from the bathroom and these heartbroken little words: "Oh no! Now what am I going to do?"I go into the bathroom and there on the floor is a big poop. This ongoing problem really gets me and Breanna knows it. But what am I supposed to do when she looks at me crying, "sorry, Mommy, sorry. Are you mad at me?"

I just feel sometimes like Heavenly Father sent these perfect little angels to the wrong parents and that we are going to ruin them. I really am trying, but on days like this I think...not hard enough.

The Trouble with Summer

If I wake up and the sun is shining, I have to get out. We have to do something fun. This is a problem because despite being a lowly housewife, I have many things to do to keep this house running smoothly. And if every day I am running out the door doing those fun things, the daily grind never gets done and I am left with a messy house, makeshift suppers (cheese and crackers anyone?) and an increasing number of things-to-do on my list. On top of that, my kids forget one very important thing. One very VERY important thing. How to play. Just. Play. All day. Like they did before. So when a day comes along, like today, that I think to myself, I am going to clean ALL THE THINGS and go to the _______ bank, the kids get in the way: "Mom, can I color, can I have a snack, can I watch a show, I'm tired, and worst of all, I'm going to get into everything I know I'm not supposed to because that's what I need to stimulate my overly entertained brain." So I announced to the kids this morning, today you have one job: play. And if you start to feel neglected, I want you to think back to this kind of thing:

Etc. Etc. Etc.

I live near the most beautiful place on earth. I love the smell of the forrest. I think that, and rain, is what heaven smells like. Breanna had to stop and smell every single flower on our hike until we made her stop. For her, the flowers never get old. She says "but don't pick them! Just look."

"The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament sheweth his handywork" (Psalms 19:1)

What lucky person owns the land behind this fence. Honestly.

Brad and Jesse saw these, not me. It's been a while since I saw a bear.

It's almost too perfect.