News, a bit early

So Candace and that "guy" got back together the next day. Oops! But yay for them, because I think they are really great together. And I really don't think you're dumb, Dave. Just a temporary lapse in judgement, that's all :D (hehe-oops!)

Anyway, despite the fact that I'm really down in the dumps and REALLY sick and depressed and tired, I'm really, really happy underneath it all because....

All looks well so far! I was sooo excited when I found out I was pregnant again, and so happy, but terrified for the 3 months of hell that awaited me and scared of another miscarriage. Now I'm almost 10 weeks and I only have one month left before this torture is over for me and my poor family that has to deal with me, and everything looks great as far as the pregnancy goes. You know, I was planning on waiting until I was 12 weeks to tell the world but let's be honest, it's pretty obvious. Wow. I have gained my requisite 10 pounds already and let me tell you I am showing. Not showing like "I'm such a silly girl can't you see my belly?", showing like, "OH! Congratulations!" And people look at me funny when I tell them like they are pretending they didn't know already but really they did. So I guess it's out there.

Things I am excited for about this pregnancy:

- I got a midwife

- I'm actually not craving sweets, or fatty foods. I crave really, really healthy food. If only someone else would make it for me...

- I have discovered Omega 3 tablets, which seem to be helping a little with depression

- 4 Diclectin per day makes the nausea not as bad as usual, although there are still days when I sit in front of the toilet crying please let me throw up, please let me throw up! 

It's so funny because I always have the best of intentions to exercise in my first trimester, but each time I am reminded why it is NOT possible. I tried and almost fainted, almost threw up and blacked out a couple of times. It was not a success. Even light exercise makes me feel sick and faint. So mostly I lay around and sleep, sleep, sleep. I sleep while my kids play, I sleep in the afternoon, and I go to bed early every night. Nothing makes me feel good, nothing makes me happy, nothing brings relief. I feel all kinds of guilt but not much else. Some people get it after they have the baby and that is called post-partum depression. I don't get that even a little bit, thank heaven. While I'm breastfeeding I am very happy, stable and even-tempered. I get it while I'm pregnant, it's called antenatal depression and it's almost as common but nowhere near as well recognized. So my Mom tells me that I can't tell people I have morning sickness, I have to tell people I have something beyond that. Morning sickness combined with depression combined with extreme fatigue. I've only ever met one other person who understands what I go through. She doesn't throw up either, but the nausea is constant, all-day, never lets up, so debilitating. She decided after the second one to never do it again, all because of those 3 horrible months. I finally felt like someone understood. She got it! I told someone recently who I had to tell because she would be picking up some of my slack at church. She said "oh. Have you tried soda crackers?" I had to stop myself from laughing. Have I tried soda crackers. Hm....how about every remedy, every suggestion, every pill, every diet adjustment, every exercise...let me assure you, if there was something out there that could cure this, I would KNOW. And in fact, I have found two things that seem to help a little. Diclectin, and eating high protien, low fat meals. But it certainly doesn't take it away. I still suffer, this is my personal hell, and in the end it will ALL be worth it! Funny, Brad said to me the other day, and he meant it:

"I am never doing this again."

Maybe, at last, he gets it :)